1 00:00:08,119 --> 00:00:09,679 No, Derek, I'm not presuming anything. 2 00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:11,519 It's entirely up to the PM. I'll go wherever he wants. 3 00:00:11,560 --> 00:00:13,439 I'm going to have to go. Bye-bye. 4 00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:14,880 - Good morning. - Morning, Minister. 5 00:00:14,919 --> 00:00:17,079 Are you just off to your 8:30 with Malcolm? 6 00:00:17,120 --> 00:00:18,679 Yep, yep. 7 00:00:18,719 --> 00:00:20,800 - First one? - Into the lion's den, viper's pit. 8 00:00:20,839 --> 00:00:23,600 The belly of the beast, the lair of the white worm. 9 00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:25,600 - The eye of the snake. - Hmm. 10 00:00:25,640 --> 00:00:27,960 Not all departments get asked to the 8:30. 11 00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:29,440 That's true. 12 00:00:29,480 --> 00:00:31,600 It's an honour to be are in with the big hitters. 13 00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:33,799 Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out. 14 00:00:33,840 --> 00:00:37,520 If you were doing this over at Environment and Rural Affairs 15 00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:40,560 at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent. 16 00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:42,960 - Probably at Coffee Republic. - Covered in piss. 17 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:46,240 Good luck. You'll be fine. You don't need good luck. 18 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:48,640 - Yeah. - What about the...piss? 19 00:00:48,679 --> 00:00:51,000 - It's a figure of speech. - I'd better go. 20 00:00:51,039 --> 00:00:52,399 - See you later. - OK. 21 00:00:52,439 --> 00:00:55,240 - I'm sure there's a way of... - Robyn! 22 00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:57,200 Robyn, sorry. 23 00:00:57,240 --> 00:01:01,439 Could you try and pick up any signals you can from Malcolm about the erm... 24 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:04,879 about the reshuffle? 25 00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:07,280 I've really got to go. I don't want to be late. 26 00:01:07,319 --> 00:01:08,680 God, don't be late. 27 00:01:08,719 --> 00:01:10,840 Apparently, they shout at the last one in. 28 00:01:10,879 --> 00:01:14,000 If anyone shouts at you, they'll have to answer to me. 29 00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:16,040 I'll box his ears. 30 00:01:18,519 --> 00:01:21,640 Box his ears? If that was flirting, that was absolutely crap. 31 00:01:22,079 --> 00:01:23,359 Box his ears? 32 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:25,159 How long is it since you've had sex? 33 00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:28,840 That is between me and my internet service provider. 34 00:01:28,879 --> 00:01:31,640 - Anyway, about this... - You've gone red, Glenn. 35 00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:34,359 You have. Look, you've gone red. 36 00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:37,359 - I have not gone red. That's red. - Yeah! 37 00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:39,560 Look, he can hardly walk properly. 38 00:01:39,599 --> 00:01:42,239 - Morning, morning, morning! - (All) Morning. 39 00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:44,159 I want to have a bit of a think 40 00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:48,000 about some of our presentational issues with regard to yesterday. 41 00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:51,400 There seems to have been a problem last night with Liam on Newsnight. 42 00:01:51,439 --> 00:01:53,760 I would like to know why did we have a minister on 43 00:01:53,799 --> 00:01:56,280 who did not appear to know their lines. 44 00:01:56,319 --> 00:01:59,120 It's not his fault. We grilled him beforehand. 45 00:01:59,159 --> 00:02:00,439 Grilled? 46 00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:02,519 - He's got a new baby. - I don't care. 47 00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:04,079 I don't care if he's tired. 48 00:02:04,120 --> 00:02:06,599 He looked like he didn't know what he was talking about. 49 00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:10,199 Now, I know he doesn't, but he's got to appear as if he does, right? 50 00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:12,199 And that is your job, and your job. 51 00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:16,719 And yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours. 52 00:02:16,759 --> 00:02:21,360 With all due respect to ministers, give them the lines. Right? 53 00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:24,000 Give them all the lines to say? 54 00:02:24,039 --> 00:02:28,319 This is the delightful Robyn. She's just with us today. 55 00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:32,199 She's standing in for Terri at the Department of Social Affairs. 56 00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:33,840 So be gentle with her. 57 00:02:33,879 --> 00:02:36,360 No remarks about the Department of Stuffed Anuses, 58 00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:38,199 or the Department of Stupid Announcements 59 00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:39,840 or the Department of Sod All. 60 00:02:41,159 --> 00:02:43,759 - Right, next. - Reshuffle? 61 00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:45,759 Yes, there is a pending reshuffle. 62 00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:47,800 I can see we're not going to get anything past you. 63 00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:52,599 There was a young girl from DOSA who helped herself to a samosa. 64 00:02:52,639 --> 00:02:55,199 Argh! Next time I'll come up with something. 65 00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:57,120 Just a bit of fun. 66 00:02:57,159 --> 00:03:00,520 Yes, the reshuffle. No, yes, definitely, we don't know anything. 67 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:03,680 I don't know anything, so we can't say anything. 68 00:03:03,719 --> 00:03:05,960 But even if we did, we wouldn't. 69 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:08,560 But we don't, so we both can't and won't. 70 00:03:08,599 --> 00:03:12,159 Last Cabinet before reshuffle. How do you think I should... 71 00:03:12,199 --> 00:03:16,199 Should I go in there with all guns blazing, new policy ideas, and do a big 72 00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:18,199 ha cha cha cha cha? 73 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:22,120 - Or should I be more hmmm, like Buddha? - You don't have to do either. 74 00:03:22,159 --> 00:03:25,800 You could just sort of nod quietly, nod wisely every so often, 75 00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:28,919 and then just have a policy in your back pocket, just in case... 76 00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:32,199 What's the policy I've got in my back pocket? 77 00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:35,879 Tripling the number of quiet carriages on Intercity trains. 78 00:03:35,919 --> 00:03:40,000 Oh, wow! What a big, exciting hard-on moment that's going to be! 79 00:03:40,039 --> 00:03:42,759 That's not bad. Did you just think of that? 80 00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:44,000 Like that. 81 00:03:44,039 --> 00:03:45,759 Hugh. 82 00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:49,360 - After Cabinet, you are going to...? - Talk to Tucker? 83 00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:51,000 - About the reshuffle? - Yeah. 84 00:03:51,039 --> 00:03:53,560 I'll slip it in during the conversation. 85 00:03:53,599 --> 00:03:55,919 Much as you're intending to do with Robyn, I suspect. 86 00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:59,800 - Right, next? - Julius Nicholson? I got it yesterday. 87 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:03,159 He was looking at the MOD taking over UK security from the Home Office. 88 00:04:03,199 --> 00:04:05,599 That was flown by one of Nicholson's mob. 89 00:04:05,639 --> 00:04:07,560 I'm spending half of my time now 90 00:04:07,599 --> 00:04:10,919 dealing with this rubbish that Nicholson's putting out. 91 00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:14,960 There's a Sunday piece about you and him not getting along. Have you got a line? 92 00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:17,439 Julius Nicholson is a hugely respected adviser. 93 00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:22,879 He now has a wide-ranging brief and his blue-sky vision and helicopter thinking 94 00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:25,000 will enable this Government to go, 95 00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:29,000 in his own phrase, "beyond delivery, and beyond that". 96 00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:30,800 That's the line, OK? 97 00:04:30,839 --> 00:04:34,319 If he does stick his baldy head round your door with some stupid idea, 98 00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:36,879 about policemen's helmets should be yellow, 99 00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:40,120 or let's set up a department to count the moon, 100 00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:43,800 just treat him like someone with Alzheimer's disease, you know? 101 00:04:43,839 --> 00:04:48,879 Just say, "Oh, yeah, that's lovely. We must talk about that later," OK? 102 00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:50,600 In no way, shape or form... 103 00:04:50,639 --> 00:04:51,800 (Knock at door) 104 00:04:51,839 --> 00:04:53,399 Come the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off. 105 00:04:53,439 --> 00:04:54,839 I'll come the fuck in. 106 00:04:54,879 --> 00:04:58,000 It's just something that Nicholson's flown. 107 00:04:58,040 --> 00:05:02,800 A kind of brain exercise, like "What would it be like if men had tits?" 108 00:05:02,839 --> 00:05:05,399 Mark Mardell? That's pretty good, actually. 109 00:05:05,439 --> 00:05:07,399 All right, then. See you, then. 110 00:05:07,439 --> 00:05:10,120 - Hugh? - I thought you would want to know. 111 00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:11,439 - What? - Terri's dad. 112 00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:13,879 - Yeah? - No news at the moment. 113 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:15,600 You've come to talk about the reshuffle. 114 00:05:15,639 --> 00:05:17,319 - Yeah, I have. - Yeah? 115 00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:21,160 In terms of shuffley stuff, how is Neil? 116 00:05:21,199 --> 00:05:24,160 - I mean, is his heart... - Have you not heard? 117 00:05:24,199 --> 00:05:26,240 No. 118 00:05:26,279 --> 00:05:28,600 (Heavy sigh) He's paralysed. 119 00:05:28,639 --> 00:05:29,759 Oh, no. 120 00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:32,120 - Neil's on wheels. - You're kidding. 121 00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:34,199 - He's a vegetable. - Oh, my God. 122 00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:36,439 Yeah. 123 00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:41,360 That means you could have his department. 124 00:05:41,399 --> 00:05:43,480 Oh, you are kidding. Fuck you very much. 125 00:05:43,519 --> 00:05:46,000 You're looking for mouth-to-mouth in the reshuffle. 126 00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:48,000 I don't know anything about it. 127 00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:51,000 The PM is still working it out on the back of a Coldplay CD as we speak. 128 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:54,959 - Are you in, sir? - Ah! Mr Julius Nicholson. 129 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:56,360 Nice to see you again. 130 00:05:56,399 --> 00:05:58,199 What proposals have you got for us today? 131 00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:01,120 - How about a ban on sand castles? - I wanted to find out 132 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:04,120 if you're coming to my FSG briefing this afternoon. 133 00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:06,319 - FSG briefing? - Forward Strategy Group. 134 00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:10,879 Well, you know, Julius, I'm just going to have to send one of the boys. 135 00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:15,279 I have got so much work to do here, what with this MOD... 136 00:06:15,319 --> 00:06:17,639 Well, as the minister said to the prince, 137 00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:20,399 don't be surprised if we abolish you. 138 00:06:20,439 --> 00:06:22,439 I'll leave it with you. 139 00:06:24,839 --> 00:06:26,800 That was a bit erm... 140 00:06:26,839 --> 00:06:29,160 - Are you all right? - I'm fucking all right. 141 00:06:29,199 --> 00:06:32,240 - I can fucking look after myself. - Under the spotlight now. 142 00:06:32,279 --> 00:06:34,240 Just watch your own back, 143 00:06:34,279 --> 00:06:36,959 what with the missus dripping poison into the big guy's ear. 144 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:39,199 - What missus? - The prime minister's missus. 145 00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:44,279 Oh, what? You don't know? She doesn't like the cut of your jib, son. 146 00:06:44,319 --> 00:06:46,399 She...? She's hardly seen my jib. 147 00:06:46,439 --> 00:06:51,279 I just had a conversation with her at the New Year's party, that's all. 148 00:06:51,319 --> 00:06:54,160 Why doesn't she like me? What's not to like? 149 00:06:54,199 --> 00:06:55,680 You just didn't click. 150 00:06:55,720 --> 00:06:57,759 We were talking about the fucking Euro. 151 00:06:57,800 --> 00:07:01,639 How are you supposed to click over the Euro? Fucking impossible. 152 00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:06,000 - Don't take it so personally. - She doesn't like me as a person. 153 00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:08,519 How else am I supposed to take it? 154 00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:10,399 Hugh? 155 00:07:10,439 --> 00:07:14,079 Robyn, can you send these back to archives? They're not even highlighted. 156 00:07:14,120 --> 00:07:15,680 I'm not going to plough through all that. 157 00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:18,920 I need the last four months of the European Digest. 158 00:07:18,959 --> 00:07:23,079 Is it cos you fancy me? Is that what this is all about? 159 00:07:23,639 --> 00:07:24,879 Sorry? 160 00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:27,279 You're so rude. That's got to be the reason. 161 00:07:27,319 --> 00:07:31,439 Other people knock and say "hello", "good morning", "thanks" 162 00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:33,360 and "nice top" sometimes. 163 00:07:33,399 --> 00:07:37,600 Well, no. For a start, I don't fancy you. 164 00:07:37,639 --> 00:07:40,800 I don't know where you got that in your head, but get it out. 165 00:07:40,839 --> 00:07:43,680 If I'm slightly polite to you on a semi-regular basis, 166 00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:45,800 will that in any way bypass it? 167 00:07:45,839 --> 00:07:47,839 That would definitely do it. 168 00:07:47,879 --> 00:07:51,199 Well, thank you very much for the work you do. Hi, by the way. How are you? 169 00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:53,319 I'm really well. 170 00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:58,199 You look lovely. Can I have the fucking Digest,please? That would be terrific. 171 00:07:58,240 --> 00:07:59,439 All you had to do was ask me. 172 00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:02,199 Yeah, well, all I did do is ask. 173 00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:04,120 Phwor! 174 00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:06,160 A joke. 175 00:08:06,199 --> 00:08:08,399 - Hello. - Morning, Minister. 176 00:08:08,439 --> 00:08:10,439 I need to have a word, Olly, and then 177 00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:12,519 can you get me Terri on the phone, please? 178 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:14,439 - Where is Glenn? - Please? 179 00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:17,720 Nicholson hauled him in for a chat. One of his bright ideas. 180 00:08:17,759 --> 00:08:22,480 Inflatable churches for rural communities or tattooing immigrants. 181 00:08:22,519 --> 00:08:26,839 Apparently, the PM's wife doesn't like me. Did you know this? 182 00:08:27,639 --> 00:08:30,160 No. Erm... Why? 183 00:08:30,199 --> 00:08:33,879 Two reasons. Cut of my jib and insufficient clicking. 184 00:08:33,919 --> 00:08:36,639 I'll be a footnote in political history 185 00:08:36,679 --> 00:08:39,559 because I didn't have an anecdote about puppies. 186 00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:42,240 We can brainstorm small talk if you want to. 187 00:08:42,279 --> 00:08:45,200 Realistically, I'm not going to get promotion, 188 00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:47,240 not while this prime minister's still in power. 189 00:08:47,279 --> 00:08:49,799 Well, not while he's married to the same wife. 190 00:08:49,840 --> 00:08:53,399 Knowing your lot, he'll leave her, she'll marry his replacement. 191 00:08:53,440 --> 00:08:57,240 I did mention your great quiet carriages thing and he just... 192 00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:00,159 - What does that mean? - Fuck knows! 193 00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:03,840 But I don't think it means, "Oh, Hugh, you're fantastic. 194 00:09:03,879 --> 00:09:05,960 "Here, become Home Secretary." 195 00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:09,159 And even if it did mean that, when he's in bed tonight with Mrs PM, flossing, 196 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:11,200 then she'll say, "Abbot as Home Secretary?" 197 00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:15,639 "The man is a social spastic and very probably a registered nonce, darling." 198 00:09:15,679 --> 00:09:19,080 Terri on line one, and there's her dad's name. 199 00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:20,159 Dad's name? 200 00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:21,919 Hello. 201 00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:24,039 Hello, how are you? 202 00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:27,519 - I'm not great, actually. - Yes, goodness me. 203 00:09:27,559 --> 00:09:32,960 Please be sure to send my best to...to...to your dad. 204 00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:34,559 Thanks. 205 00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:39,200 Look, I heard today that the PM's wife doesn't like me. 206 00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:41,360 - Did you know about this? - Yes, I did. 207 00:09:41,399 --> 00:09:44,200 I know about the lack of click. Anything else? 208 00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:46,159 Hugh, my dad's dying. 209 00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:50,440 Of course. Thanks so much for taking the time to talk to me, Terri. 210 00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:54,840 It must be a... Well, obviously, it's a very, very hard time for you. 211 00:09:54,879 --> 00:09:58,600 It's just ironic that it happens to have coincided with a hard time for me. 212 00:09:58,639 --> 00:10:02,519 Because, you know, I thought I was solid with the reshuffle. 213 00:10:02,559 --> 00:10:05,399 But now, with the not clicking bombshell, 214 00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:08,039 I need to give the impression that I'm not budging, 215 00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:09,919 I'm staying exactly where I am, 216 00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:14,759 I'm here for ever, you know, like Ken erm... 217 00:10:14,799 --> 00:10:17,200 Ken Livingstone? Russell? 218 00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:18,759 Hom? 219 00:10:18,799 --> 00:10:19,799 - Barlow? - Barlow! 220 00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:21,600 Like Ken Barlow. I'm solid. 221 00:10:21,639 --> 00:10:25,080 (Glenn) That fucking arse clamp, Nicholson! 222 00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:27,200 Look, I don't want to say this too many times, 223 00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:32,559 but the fact is Nicholson's shafted us. He's cut us out of the 8:30 briefings. 224 00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:34,600 - That's awful. - I know. 225 00:10:34,639 --> 00:10:37,159 But for now, this department is no longer going to 226 00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:39,279 any of Malcolm's 8:30 briefings, OK? 227 00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:42,679 - Tomorrow morning, I just stay here? - Yes, that's right. 228 00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:45,399 - I don't want to alarm Hugh about this. - Oh, God! 229 00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:49,600 Listen to me, Robyn. He's got quite enough on his mind at the moment. 230 00:10:49,639 --> 00:10:51,759 So tomorrow morning, what you do is 231 00:10:51,799 --> 00:10:54,559 you leave here at the same time, about 8:20, 232 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:56,919 and you fuck off and go and sit in a park. 233 00:10:56,960 --> 00:11:00,279 - And not tell Hugh? - Yes. It's only temporary. 234 00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:02,679 - Oh, God! - I'm going to sort it out, OK? 235 00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:04,919 Won't it just be a bit demeaning? 236 00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:08,480 Terri says there's a list of Question Timeproducers in her top drawer. 237 00:11:08,519 --> 00:11:10,639 - Are you OK, Robyn? - Erm... Yeah. 238 00:11:10,679 --> 00:11:12,919 - Have you been touching her? - Fuck off. 239 00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:16,519 Yes, I've got the producers' names, so thanks for that. 240 00:11:16,559 --> 00:11:18,879 And is there anything else that I could do? 241 00:11:18,919 --> 00:11:22,559 You know, photo opps or a little party? 242 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:26,799 Schmooze the broadsheets? Tell them how I love running Social Affairs? 243 00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:29,840 Yeah, that would work, wouldn't it? 244 00:11:29,879 --> 00:11:33,240 Everyone loves a party. Well, I don't, personally, but people do. 245 00:11:33,279 --> 00:11:35,559 Get your head round this. You go to a park. 246 00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:37,000 Which park? 247 00:11:37,039 --> 00:11:39,600 - Just choose... Green Park. - I don't like Green Park. 248 00:11:39,639 --> 00:11:42,440 - Which park do you like? - St James's Park. 249 00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:45,480 Go to St James's Park, then. OK? 250 00:11:45,519 --> 00:11:47,000 I think we should tell the minister. 251 00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:50,759 Listen, Robyn, I really like you, but fuck off! 252 00:11:50,799 --> 00:11:53,559 - Has he been touching you? - Don't start. 253 00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:56,240 Oh, God! I'm rubbish, apparently. 254 00:11:56,279 --> 00:11:59,399 That's why Nicholson has banned us from the 8:30 meetings, 255 00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:01,720 and I've got to go and sit in St James's Park 256 00:12:01,759 --> 00:12:04,000 and pretend I'm in a meeting all morning. 257 00:12:04,039 --> 00:12:07,320 I wouldn't worry. There should be four or five of you out there. 258 00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:11,399 This is another example of thinking out of the box 259 00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:14,159 by someone who's out of his fucking tree. 260 00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:15,639 I've got to go. I'll talk to you later. 261 00:12:15,679 --> 00:12:17,840 Ah, Malcolm Tucker! 262 00:12:17,879 --> 00:12:20,279 Julius Nicholson! What can I do you for? 263 00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:23,879 I am keen to have a chat with Keith Percival. 264 00:12:23,919 --> 00:12:27,360 - Yeah. That won't be possible. - I need the O'Rourke papers. 265 00:12:27,399 --> 00:12:29,840 I'm afraid not. Anything else? 266 00:12:31,399 --> 00:12:33,200 Look, Malcolm, you and I both know 267 00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:36,919 my power flows directly from the PM. If you've got a problem... 268 00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:40,399 Keith is so busy with real governmental work 269 00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:44,279 that he doesn't have time to discuss with you your ideas and theories. 270 00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:47,399 The O'Rourke papers are not relevant to anything 271 00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:49,320 we can actually action at this moment. 272 00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:52,759 That's slightly funny, because when I played tennis with the PM, 273 00:12:52,799 --> 00:12:55,279 which I do every Sunday, 274 00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:58,120 he was saying he was looking forward to seeing that paper. 275 00:12:58,159 --> 00:13:00,200 He thinks your theories are interesting. 276 00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:03,399 He tells me that, because I see him every day. 277 00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:06,399 I also see him on a Sunday when I get together with his family 278 00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:08,360 and I make fucking waffles. 279 00:13:08,399 --> 00:13:12,519 But I cannot allow you to come in here 280 00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:16,080 and interfere with the actual process of government. 281 00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:19,000 Malcolm, that is my job! That's my job. 282 00:13:19,039 --> 00:13:20,360 That is what is happening. 283 00:13:20,399 --> 00:13:22,399 Well, you're doing it very fucking well. 284 00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:24,440 There are going to be big changes. 285 00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:28,519 Get used to it. We'll announce all this at the reshuffle. 286 00:13:28,559 --> 00:13:30,000 With all due respect, Julius, 287 00:13:30,039 --> 00:13:33,720 the reshuffle is the business of the PM alone, 288 00:13:33,759 --> 00:13:35,559 which means that that is my business. 289 00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:38,960 - It is my remit. - No, Malcolm. Historically, yes. 290 00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:40,279 But now it's part of my remit. 291 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,120 I'll tell you what we should do. 292 00:13:42,159 --> 00:13:45,639 Why don't we just get our remits out, slap them on the table 293 00:13:45,679 --> 00:13:48,159 and see who's got the biggest fucking remit? 294 00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:51,240 Malcolm, we need to talk about accommodation. 295 00:13:51,279 --> 00:13:52,559 We need to talk about access... 296 00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:55,039 Why am I talking about accommodation? 297 00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:58,960 It's a 21-man department, we can't fit upstairs, this is ideal. 298 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:01,840 - 21 men in here? - Not just in here, no. 299 00:14:01,879 --> 00:14:05,399 This office will be perfectly useable, for not only myself... 300 00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:07,120 - That's not an office. - Yes, it is. 301 00:14:07,159 --> 00:14:08,600 It's a pantry. 302 00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:10,799 We will refit this out as a working office. 303 00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:14,320 - Julius, it's a fucking pantry. Look. - So what? 304 00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:18,159 What we'll do is we kick through this, bang, 305 00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:19,600 straight into the PM's private study. 306 00:14:19,639 --> 00:14:21,960 What are people going to say 307 00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:25,080 when they come in and they say, "Where is Julius Nicholson?" 308 00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:26,799 - I'm here. - He's in the pantry. 309 00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:29,200 - Here I am. - They're going to ridicule you. 310 00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:31,200 They're not going to ridicule me. 311 00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:34,399 "Where's the bankrupt in the cupboard?" 312 00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:37,360 Why are you behaving like a complete prick? 313 00:14:37,399 --> 00:14:40,200 I'm supposed to polish you up, burnish you up. 314 00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:44,600 Then when you get your big break and you're on fucking Call My Bluff... 315 00:14:44,639 --> 00:14:47,240 Come back in here! Oi! Come back in here. 316 00:14:47,279 --> 00:14:49,840 Julius! Get the fuck back in here! 317 00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:53,200 Please! 318 00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:56,799 Please, come back. Let's be civilised. Let's be civilised about it. 319 00:14:56,840 --> 00:15:01,559 Let's be civilised, come on. Let's be civilised about it. 320 00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:03,840 Go over to your fucking pantry, right? 321 00:15:03,879 --> 00:15:06,480 This is a perfectly useable office space. 322 00:15:06,519 --> 00:15:08,240 Let's just cool it for one minute, OK? 323 00:15:08,279 --> 00:15:11,720 Just fucking cool it, shut up and fucking listen to me. 324 00:15:11,759 --> 00:15:15,000 This is a Georgian door. Do you know how long this has been here? 325 00:15:15,039 --> 00:15:16,360 No, I don't. 326 00:15:16,399 --> 00:15:18,559 Since the time of Elizabeth I, at least. 327 00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:21,240 That does not open. Look at it. Try opening it. 328 00:15:21,279 --> 00:15:26,200 This is the kind of stuff you like. Character building, team building. 329 00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:27,559 Try to open the door. 330 00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:29,440 Come on, Julius. It's my fucking pantry. 331 00:15:29,480 --> 00:15:33,159 It's not your pantry. It's my fucking pantry. 332 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:34,879 I was with Emma. We went for a drink. 333 00:15:34,919 --> 00:15:37,360 That's still your opposition bit of skirt, is it? 334 00:15:37,399 --> 00:15:41,080 Yeah. Don't say "bit of skirt". It makes you sound like Sid James. 335 00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:44,120 - Morning, Minister. - Off to the 8:30? 336 00:15:44,159 --> 00:15:46,360 Yep, into the house of the grass snakes. 337 00:15:46,399 --> 00:15:48,919 Grass snakes are actually quite benign. 338 00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:50,519 The cobras. 339 00:15:50,559 --> 00:15:53,879 Can you try, really try, to get the goss on the reshuffle? 340 00:15:53,919 --> 00:15:57,399 I don't really care how desperate you look at this point, 341 00:15:57,440 --> 00:15:58,799 so don't pussyfoot around. 342 00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:00,919 OK, I'll really give it a go this time. 343 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,399 Thank you. 344 00:16:02,440 --> 00:16:04,240 Up all night doing invitations for my party? 345 00:16:04,279 --> 00:16:06,120 They're out. Don't worry. 346 00:16:06,159 --> 00:16:09,360 I am desperate, but I don't want to look desperate, like Glenn. 347 00:16:09,399 --> 00:16:11,879 Oh, God, here we go again. Like Glenn, what? 348 00:16:11,919 --> 00:16:16,679 I was just saying, the last time you saw a snatch was... 349 00:16:17,559 --> 00:16:19,360 - Basic Instinct. - That's good. 350 00:16:19,399 --> 00:16:22,360 That's the repartee I need with the PM's wife. 351 00:16:22,399 --> 00:16:24,919 It's that final tsssss! That's the bit I'm missing. 352 00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:29,200 Yeah, well, I think you could drop the snatch material with the PM's wife. 353 00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:33,360 OK, between the snatch and the Euro there's some sort of happy medium. 354 00:16:33,399 --> 00:16:36,639 Morning, morning, morning. What's the story in Bala-fucking-mory? 355 00:16:36,679 --> 00:16:39,399 Who can tell me the issues of the moment? 356 00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:41,240 First to answer wins a big, massive boat. 357 00:16:46,639 --> 00:16:50,200 Lisa says Nicholson is squelching his way 358 00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:52,440 through the building, so we're on stand-by. 359 00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:54,039 Can't we just kill him, shoot him? 360 00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:56,080 Fire him at a wall from a cannon? 361 00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:57,440 Just a wall two feet away. 362 00:16:57,480 --> 00:17:00,120 I know. We force-feed him with a mixture of 363 00:17:00,159 --> 00:17:02,679 garlic and Dettol in cuppa soup. 364 00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:04,799 The old red-hot poker up the arse? 365 00:17:04,839 --> 00:17:08,599 I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head, 366 00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:12,200 and watch lice slowly crawl over his body, 367 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:14,160 eating off the flesh in a slow and painful death. 368 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:18,480 But that rather bitter anomaly aside, most of the responses to 369 00:17:18,519 --> 00:17:22,400 the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty positive. 370 00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:24,799 - Hello, Julius. - Morning, Julius. 371 00:17:30,039 --> 00:17:33,400 - I'll just do that. Right. - Would you like a cup of tea? 372 00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:38,400 Oh, no, no. I'm bouncing, so what I'm going to suggest, if I may... 373 00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:40,440 - Cuppa soup? - Not for me, no. 374 00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:42,759 I'm hoping to go over the ASBOs. 375 00:17:42,799 --> 00:17:46,480 Are there any ASBOs processed on this site? 376 00:17:46,519 --> 00:17:48,480 Actioned or processed on this site? 377 00:17:48,519 --> 00:17:52,200 No, this is the ministry. Everything is done over at Richmond Terrace. 378 00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:54,559 (Julius) Right. I'll just get my pen out. 379 00:17:54,599 --> 00:17:58,759 - Richmond...House, is it? - Terrace. 380 00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:01,359 OK, so that... Well... 381 00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:06,440 - We've been bouncing around about this. - I'd like to have seen that. 382 00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:08,599 We've got five Whitehall departments 383 00:18:08,640 --> 00:18:11,880 having some sort of impact upon the ASBO process. 384 00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:16,119 We've got Lord Chancellor's, DWP, Department of Health. 385 00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:19,039 We take those away. So... 386 00:18:19,079 --> 00:18:21,480 out of the five, let's put three with you, 387 00:18:21,519 --> 00:18:23,559 so out of the five, three are over there. 388 00:18:23,599 --> 00:18:26,599 Glenn's got custody of three for the time being. 389 00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:28,799 Two, four, six billion pounds there. 390 00:18:28,839 --> 00:18:31,599 I take two away, so they come back to me. 391 00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:34,799 I put that four billion straight through to the Treasury. 392 00:18:34,839 --> 00:18:36,160 We're left with the one. 393 00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:38,000 That's a two billion pound figure 394 00:18:38,039 --> 00:18:40,559 which we spread across the money-saving departments. 395 00:18:40,599 --> 00:18:42,720 That means it's good news for Number Ten, 396 00:18:42,759 --> 00:18:45,480 for the Treasury and for Hugh Abbot. 397 00:18:45,519 --> 00:18:47,680 So, that's where we are. I will... 398 00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:50,880 - I shall leave that with you. - Interesting thought. 399 00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:52,839 Within a few sort of... 400 00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:56,599 I guess...months, 401 00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:59,359 we'll have something concrete to put to you. 402 00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:01,400 - See you later. - Bye. 403 00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:04,359 - Erm...yes. - Where were we? 404 00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:07,799 He really is... This is dangerous. He is actually unhinged. 405 00:19:07,839 --> 00:19:09,799 He's just relatively harmless. 406 00:19:09,839 --> 00:19:13,799 No, he's not harmless, because this job's my livelihood. 407 00:19:13,839 --> 00:19:20,839 My children's shoes depend now on having a madman suggest, you know... 408 00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:23,200 Do your children need two shoes each? 409 00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:27,519 He is not getting anywhere near my fucking pantry, I'll tell you that. 410 00:19:27,559 --> 00:19:30,599 That door is staying as open as a fat whore's bonehole. 411 00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:33,799 Sorry I'm late. Traffic was a bitch. No offence, Robyn. 412 00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:36,799 How about the 8:30? How did that go? 413 00:19:36,839 --> 00:19:38,400 Very quick. It was in and out. 414 00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:41,400 Did you quiz him about the reshuffle? 415 00:19:41,440 --> 00:19:43,319 I didn't get a chance. 416 00:19:43,359 --> 00:19:46,960 - I did ask you specifically to do that. - Hugh, entirely my fault. 417 00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:50,160 Robyn, give me a print-out and let me have a look at it. 418 00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:54,079 Question Time'sup the Swanee. What the fuck do you have to do to get on TV? 419 00:19:54,119 --> 00:19:57,839 Have sex with a pig? Soil yourself? I don't know the minimum requirements. 420 00:19:57,880 --> 00:20:01,559 - Terri, Terri, hi, how's it going? - He's gone, Hugh. 421 00:20:01,599 --> 00:20:03,359 Oh, dear. 422 00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:06,720 Oh, I am so sorry, Terri. I really am. 423 00:20:09,279 --> 00:20:13,240 That's... That's really... That's just... Blimey. 424 00:20:13,279 --> 00:20:15,440 OK? Are you OK now? 425 00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:19,400 (Shuffling papers) 426 00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:21,440 (Sobbing) 427 00:20:22,799 --> 00:20:24,519 Yeah. Yep. 428 00:20:24,559 --> 00:20:27,680 Listen. What I was calling about, we'll forget about that. 429 00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:29,440 There's no need to talk about that now. 430 00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:30,799 OK. 431 00:20:30,839 --> 00:20:33,200 Right. Question Time'sbitten the dust, 432 00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:37,200 and I was going to ask you if you could ring some of your broadsheet contacts 433 00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:41,640 and make absolutely sure that they're all coming to my party tonight. 434 00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:45,440 I just wanted to take the opportunity of saying I really am sorry 435 00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:47,680 that it got awkward with Hugh. 436 00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:50,200 I don't like lying to the minister. I don't. 437 00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:54,200 I do understand, all this sneaking about. 438 00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:58,839 It'll make people think we're having an affair. Or something. 439 00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:00,839 - You're joking? - Well... 440 00:21:02,359 --> 00:21:04,799 They don't think we're having an affair? 441 00:21:04,839 --> 00:21:05,759 No, no, no. 442 00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:08,000 God! 443 00:21:08,039 --> 00:21:09,079 (Heavy sigh) 444 00:21:09,119 --> 00:21:10,920 It's a grave matter, isn't it? 445 00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:12,599 Not a good day to bury bad news. 446 00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:15,200 - (Sniggering) No, minister, it's not. - Oh, fuck! 447 00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:17,400 - Julius, what a surprise! - What a surprise. 448 00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:22,279 Thank goodness you didn't stumble on us burning a load of money on a bonfire. 449 00:21:22,319 --> 00:21:24,839 Well done on the chat we had this morning. 450 00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:27,759 The AIU are going to produce a paper in the next 12 days. 451 00:21:27,799 --> 00:21:31,599 So raise yourselves a glass. Happi-ness. 452 00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:33,119 Brilliant. 453 00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:36,039 Right, well, I'll see you at this Treasury bash, I suppose. 454 00:21:36,079 --> 00:21:39,039 - What? - The Treasury bash. Horseguards Parade. 455 00:21:39,079 --> 00:21:42,079 It's Paul Webster, US Economics Secretary of State. 456 00:21:42,119 --> 00:21:43,799 He's unexpectedly coming over. 457 00:21:43,839 --> 00:21:46,599 The Treasury are hosting a bash for him this evening. 458 00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:49,240 Don't tell me you've not been invited. 459 00:21:49,279 --> 00:21:54,240 Yes, no, I have. It's just that I'm actually bashing myself tonight. 460 00:21:54,279 --> 00:21:57,640 So you...you've got your own bash here? 461 00:21:57,680 --> 00:21:59,200 - Uh...yeah. - Yeah. 462 00:21:59,240 --> 00:22:01,759 Ah! Back up, everybody, put the brakes on. 463 00:22:01,799 --> 00:22:05,240 We've got a bash happening here tonight and at the Treasury? 464 00:22:05,279 --> 00:22:10,279 It sounds complicated but I like to maximise my face. 465 00:22:10,319 --> 00:22:12,359 OK, well, how many have you invited? 466 00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:16,079 Erm... All in, I think we've invited about 150 people. 467 00:22:16,119 --> 00:22:17,319 How many replies have you had? 468 00:22:17,359 --> 00:22:20,440 About, I'd say, maybe half a side of A4. 469 00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:22,839 Figures, figures, figures. 470 00:22:23,440 --> 00:22:25,039 - 12? - 12? 471 00:22:25,079 --> 00:22:27,720 We're expecting to do quite a lot of business on the door. 472 00:22:27,759 --> 00:22:29,759 I bet you're feeling a bit argh! 473 00:22:29,799 --> 00:22:34,440 No, no, I'm pretty relaxed about it. I'm feeling sort of hmm... 474 00:22:36,079 --> 00:22:39,799 - Well, it's quite a healthy turnout. - Healthy turnout? 475 00:22:39,839 --> 00:22:41,640 This is an ill turnout! 476 00:22:41,680 --> 00:22:44,599 I don't recognise any of these people: this kebab shop owner, 477 00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:46,960 some child like a butcher's apprentice, 478 00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:50,279 and who's she, this Myra Hindley woman? 479 00:22:50,319 --> 00:22:52,000 Look, will you stop whingeing? 480 00:22:52,039 --> 00:22:55,240 When this Prime Minister and Imelda fucking Marcos have gone, 481 00:22:55,279 --> 00:22:58,519 some of these hacks will cease to be pond life. 482 00:22:58,559 --> 00:23:01,279 Just go in and ingratiate yourself, all right? 483 00:23:01,319 --> 00:23:03,720 Anorak. The PM told Geoff to get a life, 484 00:23:03,759 --> 00:23:06,640 but he's waiting for the Treasury to clear it. 485 00:23:07,559 --> 00:23:09,079 Ka-tsss! 486 00:23:09,119 --> 00:23:12,039 And Julius Nicholson says, "I'm sorry, 487 00:23:12,079 --> 00:23:14,599 "but I think you'll find you're sitting in my seat." 488 00:23:15,839 --> 00:23:19,079 And this was to God, as I mentioned in the setup. 489 00:23:19,119 --> 00:23:21,200 Anyway, have a lovely time. 490 00:23:21,240 --> 00:23:24,240 A fiver if you set off the sprinklers. 491 00:23:24,279 --> 00:23:27,400 Put Hugh in a room of people, he just clicks. 492 00:23:27,440 --> 00:23:28,680 Sounds like West Side Story. 493 00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:29,960 (Clicking fingers) 494 00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:32,160 - So who do you work for? - Online Telegraph. 495 00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:36,799 I update the subscription-only pages on the website. 496 00:23:36,839 --> 00:23:40,039 - It's a bit dull, really. - I'm sorry, who are you? 497 00:23:40,079 --> 00:23:43,160 I'm not a journalist. I'm just one of Olly's mates. 498 00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:45,480 - Right. - Erm... 499 00:23:46,599 --> 00:23:47,759 Angela, hello. 500 00:23:47,799 --> 00:23:49,799 Very nice to see you. Thanks for coming. 501 00:23:49,839 --> 00:23:54,000 - So, what about the demotion? - Sorry, what demotion is that? 502 00:23:54,039 --> 00:23:59,400 Everyone knows that you're not sending anyone to Tucker's 8:30s anymore. 503 00:23:59,440 --> 00:24:04,920 Sorry, you're saying that we're not sending anyone to the 8:30s anymore? 504 00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:07,000 Yes. That's what I'm saying. 505 00:24:07,039 --> 00:24:09,079 Yes, yes, we... 506 00:24:10,319 --> 00:24:12,799 Glenn, the 8:30s? 507 00:24:13,839 --> 00:24:17,160 Well, just because erm... 508 00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:20,759 we're not going...to the 8:30s any more, 509 00:24:20,799 --> 00:24:26,079 doesn't mean to say it isn't normal interdepartmental practice. 510 00:24:26,119 --> 00:24:29,240 There just isn't enough room to get everybody there, 511 00:24:29,279 --> 00:24:33,880 and it has to occur on a rotational basis. 512 00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:37,559 - Are you getting all this? - Yes, thanks. It'll be on the website. 513 00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:40,119 Why didn't you tell me, Glenn? 514 00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:42,799 What possible reason did you have? You saw me. 515 00:24:42,839 --> 00:24:46,440 - I was swinging like a colostomy bag. - Oh, Hugh, grow up. 516 00:24:46,480 --> 00:24:50,200 Stuff happens in this department every day. I can't tell you everything. 517 00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:54,279 Since when does the Secretary of State for Social Affairs 518 00:24:54,319 --> 00:24:58,680 have to find out from the fucking press that every morning at 8:30 519 00:24:58,720 --> 00:25:01,680 I'm being fisted up to the gallbladder by a bald man? 520 00:25:01,720 --> 00:25:05,680 - Oh, yes... - Good night. Thanks for coming. 521 00:25:05,720 --> 00:25:08,839 Right, guys. Thanks very much for staying on. 522 00:25:11,799 --> 00:25:14,039 - Julius Nicholson, right? - Yep. 523 00:25:14,079 --> 00:25:17,960 Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru? 524 00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:20,559 - Dog rapist? - Quite possibly. 525 00:25:20,599 --> 00:25:22,079 He's being a nuisance to me. 526 00:25:22,119 --> 00:25:26,160 He also has got plans to squeeze your department so hard 527 00:25:26,200 --> 00:25:29,960 you'll be lucky if you're left with one bollock between the three of you. 528 00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:32,119 So all I am doing here 529 00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:34,599 is asking you formally 530 00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:38,839 if you will join me in a little bit of a circle jerk. 531 00:25:39,839 --> 00:25:41,160 Circle jerk? What...? 532 00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:44,240 A lot of guys in a circle all...you know. 533 00:25:44,279 --> 00:25:47,200 Well, I assume you don't mean literally. Do you? Presumably? 534 00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:50,200 Tony Mack in the lobby, you know him, right? Call him. Now. 535 00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:52,440 Tell him that you're getting it that Nicholson 536 00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:55,400 is going to get Foreign Sec in the reshuffle. 537 00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:58,400 Tony, hi. How's it dangling? Yeah? 538 00:25:58,440 --> 00:26:00,400 I want to run something past you. 539 00:26:00,440 --> 00:26:03,039 I wonder if you're hearing what I've been hearing, 540 00:26:03,079 --> 00:26:06,000 that Nicholson's going to be getting Foreign Sec? 541 00:26:06,039 --> 00:26:09,519 Hugh, who is your top mate in the comment area? 542 00:26:09,559 --> 00:26:11,440 - Colin Sykes. - Colin Sykes? 543 00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:13,200 - That's your top mate? - Yeah. 544 00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:14,799 Call him up. 545 00:26:14,839 --> 00:26:18,200 Hi, Colin, yes, it's Hugh Abbot. How are you? 546 00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:20,200 Got a decent backhand yet, have you? 547 00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:25,400 Hugh. Hugh Abbot. We played tennis together. Yeah. Yeah! 548 00:26:25,440 --> 00:26:27,599 Probably bollocks, but that's what we thought 549 00:26:27,640 --> 00:26:29,400 when Jim was up for Home Secretary. 550 00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:31,799 Next thing, he's given up the Colombian marching powder 551 00:26:31,839 --> 00:26:33,319 and taken the sacraments. 552 00:26:33,359 --> 00:26:35,519 Foreign Secretary is exactly where he should be. 553 00:26:35,559 --> 00:26:38,000 - He's a smart guy. - (Mobile ringing) 554 00:26:38,039 --> 00:26:41,200 Cath. Yeah, Cath, I don't know where that's come from. 555 00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:43,799 At one point, I called him a dog rapist. 556 00:26:43,839 --> 00:26:47,279 Stonewall them! I'll talk to the boss, right? 557 00:26:47,319 --> 00:26:51,200 And now I'm going to phone the prime minister of Great Britain. 558 00:26:51,240 --> 00:26:53,200 All right, boss? 559 00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:56,599 I'm sorry to interrupt you, but we're getting hit on the blind side down here. 560 00:26:56,640 --> 00:26:58,480 Julius Nicholson. 561 00:26:58,519 --> 00:27:02,759 Our phones are white hot. Stuff about him becoming Foreign Sec. 562 00:27:02,799 --> 00:27:04,920 Is that...? Am I out of the loop here? 563 00:27:04,960 --> 00:27:08,519 The person that's most likely to be getting his mates 564 00:27:08,559 --> 00:27:12,680 to put this around is Julius Nicholson. 565 00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:15,680 You put so much hope in them. They always let you down. 566 00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:20,440 I think maybe Julius needs to have his wings clipped a bit, you know. 567 00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:23,599 Do you want to do it? 568 00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:27,720 I think you're right. I think it's better that I just have a little chat. 569 00:27:27,759 --> 00:27:30,200 I'll see you in the morning. Night. 570 00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:33,839 Fucking brilliant. 571 00:27:33,880 --> 00:27:35,599 Eight missed messages. 572 00:27:36,079 --> 00:27:38,599 Sleep lightly. 573 00:27:38,640 --> 00:27:41,559 - He's incredible. - Colin Sykes didn't know who I was. 574 00:27:41,599 --> 00:27:46,200 - I don't know who Colin Sykes is. - Swings and roundabouts. 575 00:27:46,240 --> 00:27:50,680 - Who am I? - We'll find out tomorrow, won't we? 576 00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:54,480 Morning, morning, morning. What's the story in Bala-fucking-mory? 577 00:27:54,519 --> 00:27:56,200 Reshuffle. 578 00:27:56,240 --> 00:27:59,039 You win a year's supply of condoms. Which in your case is four. 579 00:27:59,079 --> 00:28:01,000 Anything? 580 00:28:01,039 --> 00:28:04,039 Fatty's just been in. He just managed to squeeze past the policeman. 581 00:28:04,079 --> 00:28:06,079 If you were promoted, good for you. 582 00:28:06,119 --> 00:28:08,400 If it was a relegation, hard cheese. 583 00:28:08,440 --> 00:28:11,519 If he dumps me, I'm going to find that wife of his. 584 00:28:11,559 --> 00:28:15,000 I'm going to click her right through the fucking hedge. Boom! 585 00:28:15,039 --> 00:28:16,240 (Phone ringing) 586 00:28:16,279 --> 00:28:18,599 How do you like this jib, darling? Bang! 587 00:28:18,640 --> 00:28:21,920 - That noise is the phone. - I know. I'm in denial. 588 00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:24,799 But if you don't know whether or not you were promoted, 589 00:28:24,839 --> 00:28:27,000 you were fucking relegated. 590 00:28:27,039 --> 00:28:29,079 Great. OK, bye-bye. 591 00:28:29,119 --> 00:28:31,920 He wants me to go in. I just hope it isn't farmers. 592 00:28:31,960 --> 00:28:35,279 I don't want to have to pretend to be nice to farmers. 593 00:28:35,319 --> 00:28:37,200 - Knock it out the park. - Yeah. Good luck. 594 00:28:37,240 --> 00:28:41,200 Welcome back to Robyn from the all-new, totally revamped 595 00:28:41,240 --> 00:28:44,559 Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. 596 00:28:46,200 --> 00:28:49,799 I've got no fucking idea what that means, but it spells SAC! 597 00:28:49,839 --> 00:28:53,359 Thank you. Thank you very much. No autographs, please. 598 00:28:53,400 --> 00:28:57,160 (Malcolm) SAC are being turfed out of their tatty old building, 599 00:28:57,200 --> 00:29:01,400 to be replaced by Julius Nicholson and his Advanced Implementation Unit. 600 00:29:01,440 --> 00:29:05,880 On to the broadcast schedule for today. Colin did today, which was lovely. 601 00:29:05,920 --> 00:29:08,720 Sweet FA for The World At One, please, as usual. 602 00:29:08,759 --> 00:29:11,599 You know the lines. Most women ever. 603 00:29:11,640 --> 00:29:14,440 Younger average age than the AC Milan defence.